About Spirituality

A major discussion we tackled a while ago on my summer class on anthropology 274 (my elective subject) is about the topic of spirituality. It is inline with the studies that we would be required to undertake on our field study next week at Bauang, La Union. Over our discourse I found the idea of spirituality very interesting and brain stimulating. Most of my fellow students view spirituality as, a mode of mindset and control imposed by a concept of a higher being to an individual. Also they view it as a relationship of an individual to a faith or a higher being. Interestingly there is only one view that differs between our definitions of what is spirituality, mine.

How do I view spirituality? I relate spirituality with the human “need” for salvation. Salvation or the continuance of life after death is the common factor present in all of the world’s religions (as far as I know). It is with this common belief that I hypothesis that spirituality, then is a product on the need to rationalize a concept of continuance of our fleshly bodies to a soul that would experience an eternal life, or in other religion the development of the human soul through reincarnation to achieve nirvana. This need for a concept of salvation then root out to other factors affecting an individual’s spirituality like faith or religion.

Salvation and its relation to culture

Need for Salvation à Personal Faithà Belief on a Higher BeingàWith the convergence of individuals with the same faith to a community or group becomes bodies that compose a RELIGION, SECT, or in some instances a CULT. Which later own forms a distinct culture that radiates to other form of social interactions like through art, politics, and etc.

My main theory in this philosophy is that the belief on salvation and the practices on achieving salvation is a major method that can be use to trace the characteristic or identity of a culture or society. An example of which is religious performances or productions; like dances, prayers, feasts, the production of santos, church designs and other religious relics to name a few. This practices is able to form an identity or practices that can define or identify a society’s culture. Examples are the unique practices of burials, weddings, baptismal, feast celebrations in the different parts of our country. This practices varies from ethnicity like from the practices of the Ilocanos from the Tagalogs, and through religion like of Catholics from the Aglipayans. If we are to trace the roots of these practices, we can go back to the collective religious belief of a society. Which is based on their common “interpretation” of faith on God or on a god/s, which then is the Supreme Being that grants them their salvation.

Spirituality on my personal level

A lot of people, including my mother has a connotation that spirituality has a lot to do with going to church. They picture individuals that don’t frequent churches or interact with the religious community has a poor spirituality. With this concept I would like to differ. Spirituality roots out from the personal relation of your body to your spirit, or in other words yourself to your God. This practice on communicating or believing to your God is personal. Is there any right procedure or dogma on communicating to God? Some religious would say there is, but I personally believe spirituality is personal. Your communication with your God is based on your personal faith, understanding, and approach. I don’t go to our church (born again) for I have issues with some of the teachings and of the social approach of some of the churchgoers. But my ethics, morality, and faith are deeply rooted on my Born Again upbringing and belief. Though I have a different approach on my view of salvation. I find it greatly hypocritical to practice divinity and avoid sins and ask forgiveness for sins just for the concept of going to heaven. I am human I am design to sin. Though I want to live my life in a concept of goodness I admit I don’t aim for divinity. I plan to live my life on the basis on what I believe is good or moral. In the end if ever the “reality” of eternal judgment comes, I am prefer to present my life. If ever God find my life ok then hallelujah, if not then ill be sorry to experience hell. My point is, the rules of divinity is greatly interpreted and misinterpreted by men, who themselves are prone to sin. If a person can charge his or her life to the responsibility on the interpretation of others of God’s word, it is their choice and I have no arguments about that. I communicate to God my own way, I pray on my own way. It may not be on the way that other people expect, but I do it. It is not my responsibility to conform to others especially on my relationship with God. It is between Him and me as far I am concern. I can put into analogy my relationship with my father (I once read in an article that a person’s relationship with God is comparable to that person’s relationship with his/her father). We don’t usually talk, we greatly have our differences, and at times argue about it. But in the end of the day he is my father and I am his son. From childhood to even the time I was working, he still provide me of the things I need, though not all I the things I want. In return I obey him as a son and pay homage to him, one of it is following his footsteps by taking an MA (hopefully an doctoral after). To other’s point of view our lack of verbal communication is a sign of disfunctionality. But for the two us there is nothing wrong, it is the best way we communicate and we try to adapt to that. It can be said also with my relationship with God, we have are own communication.

The Death of the Interior Designer? (my first 2 sems at UP)

Finally I just submitted online my super unadulterated and unedited paper for my graduate studies class on Philippine Architecture. I submitted my other 2 papers last Monday. My 1st year as a graduate student is over. It is just recently that I am coming to grip, yes I am really at UP and its turning out ok. Being nerds and geeks are all right after all. If ill look back sometime from now and ask if I made the right choice. I can proudly say yes it was right, and it changed the flow of my life. Though ill admit financially it was a challenge. While working in the interior design firm I used to work into, though the pay is not that much, financially I am independent. I can afford to pay my bed space rent and go on weekly dates with my gf. Taking my MA has a lot of sacrifices that came with. Ill admit, it is hard for me to get into interior design jobs now for the schedule given by UP are real hindrance on a job that expect your attendance at “working hours” all time of the week. It is one hell of a career shift. I will admit my desire to be an interior designer is almost dead, with only a minor chance of resurrection. Now I feel I have a freedom to express my ideas more freely than before. It is not just doing designs anymore, now what I am doing will soon matter to most people and not only to the elite few. I feel I am more in touch of reality, the reality of serving the masses.

When I was in college, especially on the latter parts of my “8-year” stint at UST. I fixed myself on a motto of bringing interior design to my people, the Filipino masses. Before finishing college I worked in the construction firm of my cousin at Baler. At that time we are building this building for a public elementary school in a very isolated part of Baler. So isolated we have to cross a bridgeless spring and unpaved road with big boulders. The atmosphere was very laid back, so peaceful… that at those moments I wondered what is the sense of finishing college when life is so simple. Then me and my cousin had a conversation, I asked why he accepted this contract when he would almost get nothing back financially, that construction contract would only earn his firm P50,000. To low for even the standard of Baler. Then he pointed to a kid, probably just in his 1st or 2nd grade. There is that kid with his big bag at his back, too big for his tiny frame. Wearing only his slippers to schools (to the sheltered kids, its flipflops), with his polo shirt that I doubt if it is being washed regularly. That kid was an Aeta, even with his hardship you can see the glare in his eyes on going to school. My cousin said that kid walks to the school from their place in the mountains that who knows how far. They walk, they don’t ride any service or tricycle, and they walk back and fort. Then he said to me with a tone of humor but with a serious sense of conviction, what is the chance of that kid going in a school such as UST or going to college at all. He added that he thinks an interior designing in a place like Baler has no future, for Baler is too poor to afford us. He added that only the politician in Baler is reach, and if ill work as an interior designer ill just work for them. That moment defined what I want to do in my life. On my thesis I made a design of a public hospital, less concentration on perceived aesthetics and more on social concerns. Though most of the teenyboppers in CFAD didn’t get my idea. I am proud my defense panel did. One of my comment said, “Rendering was not what they expected, good presentation and design, a very original concept.” I know at that moment I made my point clear to those who mattered most. That’s why if people who know my works on my graduate papers, they would see I always touch on social issues, my topic is almost always is about Baler (the place my dad came from), and I always criticize the elite and the power that control society that thus control art. For me being an artist, designer, art critic, or art historian, does not only center on the world of art itself… it must be centered on society, on culture, on people. I believe that a painting is just an oil paint on a canvass if it is without meaning to people.
That’s why I am really mad and disgusted to the elitist and sheltered interior designers. To those who cater their service to the rich clients that only can afford them. To those designers that believe interior design is just for those who lives in condos and expensive villages. My bad finger on them… That is why I am very disappointed to the graduating batch I belonged to. Designing a class exhibit with the theme “suits me”, yes suits them. Not the people outside their box, but only them. Such bunch of over protected and over sheltered teenyboppers too ignorant on the real picture of the society they belong into. That is also the reason that quitting my job is not that hard. I like and respect the people I worked with. Joan was my classmate in college. Armando was a very dear friend, even tough he took up architecture, (we had the same road on our college life. Together with Mike [Chua and Abueva], James, and Joven we been into a lot; failing endorsements, helping each other cram for their thesis, and sharing an old dirty apartment at that). Rommel was a great guy and Sir Nathan is a really funny guy Designing casinos and mansions of rich people really don’t suits me. Much I had reflected what if I died in sleep and God would tell, where you the one involved in designing those casinos that destroy people’s lives. What would I say that it was only my work and my superiors ask me to do it? I don’t know how much of that would count.

Experiencing the moment I had on my first 2 semesters really changed my perspective. Finally I can say my ideas can matter. As an art historian and critic I have more meaning than a designer whose only job is to design places where my people “the Masses” have no chance or is forbidden to go to. But don’t get me wrong, I still like to practice Interior Designing… though I want it to have more sense than what it used to be.

20 Days Less and a Mental Block

I can’t believe it! There I was surfing for some materials for a paper and I saw on a website, my dad’s ancestral house. All in its decaying glory like what happened on all of my dad’s other properties. But at least it was taken artistically. I hate it when other people are taking an initiative to document our province. It has to be me, someone in the family, or someone I know! It can’t be strangers… That privilege should belong to me!!! Well all that’s in that site is glorified crap anyway.

And again the word…Crap, deadlines are fast approaching and I still got to finish 3 papers. Done are most of the researches, but I just cant get them to all fall into place. They are like scattered Lego pieces scattered in the floor, ready to be swiped away.

It’s a shit when I can’t find any resource about architecture about my dad’s hometown of Baler. I can’t help but be annoyed when all that is there are those photos and articles of the “manufactured” culture being promoted by the Angaras to give a sense of so called “character” to our old poor town. What do they think of making festivals, dressing up streets in coconut products? That it would be an instant Pahiyas festival like that of my mom’s hometown of Lucban. What is with dressing up pageant queens in sabutan costume making them look like sumans (with the delight of the dirty old foreigners)? A great piece of nativist garbage!
People sometimes ask me why do such research about Baler to just expose what is rotten about it. My 2 previous paper tackles the dirty politics in logging and the other the sad state of Baler’s art and Culture. Even my college interior design thesis tackle in portions certain social issues (and it was suppose to be of just interior designing). I can’t explain, at first I don’t intend to throw all that dirt, but I just can’t help to just shut up when I see failures in a system. If you’ll make a thesis about Baler, a town ridden by dirty politics and a backward social culture, it is hard to be nice. To hell about tourist promotion, to hell with it being the shooting location of the movie Apocalypse Now! The façade that what the powers that be wants to project is not the real face of the reality. I am in a unique position, I am from the inside but I am also from the outside. I speak for the locals, with my heritage coming from Baler. As I also speak as an outsider, being born and growing up here at Manila (actually QC, a misconception of probinsyanos, they don’t define Metro Manila to the city. That’s why when asked “taga maynila ka ba otoy?” I answered “di, tiga QC po”). I see this as a “privileged” spot/situation to do some criticism.

I am really having a hard time finding a theory that would fit. I have problem boxing myself, with a theory. My style is what I want to call ”free flow writing”. I just write what comes, ill create an outline of topics, have my datas, do my analysis and that’s it. I am an outsider in critical writing, I don’t feel comfortable basing my theories to people I just read in books. I want to concentrate on the issues, exposing what I feel are valuable blah blahs. But again the word crap, that wont pass here at UP. Got to think of an idea… as what John Nash (as interpreted by Russel Crowe) said, “we got to figure out our original idea”. For in the end, "it is by that how we are going to matter."

Fuzzy Logic Review

A Review of Fuzzy Logic
(Lopez Museum)

Fuzzy Logic, in its narrow sense, is symbolic logic with a comparative notion of truth developed fully in the spirit of classical logic. It is a branch of many-valued logic based on the paradigm of inference under vagueness. It can be thought of as the application side of fuzzy set theory dealing with well thought-out real world expert values for a complex problem.

The exhibit entitled Fuzzy Logic is currently being displayed at the Lopez Museum from November 2006 to March 2007. It is a compilation of abstract works of arts, from various genres, artists, and collections, which is comprised of thirty-one pieces of works. Most of the works have themes concerning technology as a theme in art; the use of optics and its relation to the perception, texture, light, and color of an art work; and the use of film documentation as a tool for the preservation of art. The mixture of art works on exhibit also depicts the role of the artist, through the use of abstraction, as a communicator of certain social and personal issues. Majority of the artworks on exhibition reflect the influences of “mass-media culture” and inhibitions by the museum’s appropriators.

The work by Louie Cordero, titled Crash Test Broadcast, was presented by the curator as an installation art. The artist’s main presentation is the actual act of destruction and crashing of the installation’s main material, the television sets, presented in the video. The act of destruction is probably the artist’s reflection on the media of television, which in a way, is heading to a breaking point on the merit of the media’s artistic quality.

Federico Jimenez Jr.’s sculpture titled Miss Saigon, made out of metal scraps that abstractly depicts a helicopter. Also ionized the logo of the famous play of the same title. The piece is Jimenez’s homage to the art piece’s namesake which is a big part of the Filipinos’ theater history.

Wire Tuazon’s huge (244cm x 488cm) oil painting titled The Death of Piet Mondarin: Field over Human Skin is a portrait of a zeppelin disaster, probably inspired and based on the Hindenburg disaster of 1937, one of the first well known disaster captured lived on the media of film and photography.

Elizalde Navarro’s work titled Grand Prix: Homage to Dodgie Laurel is a wood on aluminum with ready-made machine parts depicting a cycloptic eye inside a race car helmet. The piece pays tribute to legendary Filipino racecar driver, and two-time Macao Grand Prix champion, Dodgie Laurel, who died in a racing accident at the Guia Racing Circuit at Macau in 1967.
Francis Cabrera’s Beisdel Station, a metal relief made out of various junks, depicts the top view of the power plant. The artist is trying to imply a theme of power, with the artwork’s God’s eye view of the subject.

Ronald Achacoso’s three works on mixed media on canvas titled, Frequency, Magnitude, and Atom, installation type of presentation. This is not clear if it is the original concept of the artist, or of the curator. The pieces’ interconnecting dots and lines forming geometrical forms signify the connection of the three subjects on its role in broadcast.

Roberto Robles’ ABS-CBN commissioned work titled On Air (Dedicated to the People Who Dedicate…), is a mixed media presentation. It is composed of various junks such as, television and radio parts, an on-air sign, and various metal scraps and wires. The piece is greatly dedicated to the radio culture that is brought to fame by ABS-CBN. Noticeable in the said works is that it is paying homage and is heavily influenced by the mass-media culture of which the exhibit’s benefactor is all about. It is also noticeable that a great majority of the works are trying to iconize the Lopez’s’ influences on society in general. The art works, On Air (Dedicated to the People Who Dedicate…), Frequency, Magnitude, and Atom, Beisdel Station, and Crash Test Broadcas, are representation of the media and business empire that the Lopez’s possess. While, Miss Saigon, The Death of Piet Mondarin: Field over Human Skin, and Grand Prix: Homage to Dodgie Laurel, pay homage to its subjects that signify a certain aspect of the media culture, (entertainment, tragedy, and sports). As pure as the artists’ intention on their works, it is noticeable how the curatorship of this exhibit was arranged and is being used to reflect the importance of its benefactor, be it intentional or otherwise. This reflects an intention to project an image of power and influence. Putting a picture in the mind of the audiences that Lopez influences radiates even to the art world.

Not the entire exhibit carries a mass-media based theme. A great number of art works also reflect on the artists’ vision, reflection, and interpretation of certain social themes. Charlie Co’s oil on canvas titled Biological Armageddon is an image of a cavalristic super-hero alone in the middle of the battlefield. A depiction of a one-man crusade over his adversities, Gabriel Barredo’s sculpture titled Camera Bug is visually making pun of the phrase “camera bug”. Wire Tuazon’s enormous (244cm x 488cm) oil on canvas titled, Enlightenment has the phrase “search for the meaning of art” together with an image of a violent vehicular crash collision. It is a powerful statement of the artist on critic’s need to define the meaning of art, which often ends in futility.

An untitled work of J. Elizalde Navarro, a mixed media presentation is composed of the artist’s various used painting materials and junk, mounted to a canvas, and white washed with paint. The artist’s motives for doing such a process may not that clear or obvious. It could be interpreted as a sort of reaction on how one assesses a value of an artwork based on economics. One’s thrash covered with white paint mounted on a canvas becomes an artwork for others. One of the most prominent features on exhibit is Kidlat Tahimik’s Perfumed Nightmare, a 93-minute video presentation and documentation on a practice of a certain community. It is specifically showing life in a slum during the holy week. It is a powerful imagery of the act of penitence in a society of cultural and religious tradition.

On the whole, I viewed the exhibit as a battle between the “agenda” of the curator to reflect on a statement of power, and the role of the artists to portray a reflection of his thoughts and of his society, through his art. With this exhibit, the artists were able to pull one over his competition. Though I think that the exhibit doesn’t intend to reflect a particular statement, rather than to present the art works of abstraction. It is noticeable that certain choice of works reflects otherwise. Once it is noticed by an audience, the influence of the Lopezes can’t be just set aside. The fact that they own the museum speaks a lot over their control of the exhibit. One may come to a suspicion that they may be using art for their own glorification.

Valentines

My girlfriend ask me to make her a friendster account, I said NO FUCKING WAY! Don’t want her to ever view my friendster… its highly confidential.

I don’t know if the Lovapalooza held last Saturday re-broke the record. My girlfriend and I went to the first, and only by accident. We just finished having our Valentines dinner at some hotel (thanks to my dad) near Harrisson when we decided to stroll around Baywalk. And what do you know, some bunch of people is gathering around and banners of Close-Up are all around. My girlfriend since then want to make it an annual “panata” to attend the Lovapalooza but I cant find the time. And I feel that all the succeeding events are just too commercialized. Nothing can beat the first time.

It’s Valentines once again. Arghhh… got to rush to buy some chocolates, flowers, and teddy bear. I hate it, I know they would unreasonably overprice everything that’s have to do with the concept of love, hearts, and the color red. These days, you can’t get away of heart shaped balloons, Goya Chocolates or a Blue Mountain greeting card. We got to admit it, girls 20+ want something expensive or in there word “sentimental”. Especially when you are still courting a girl, that’s why I see to it I am not courting a girl during Valentines Day (that’s before I have my GF).

Being in a retrospective mood lately, I can’t help but reflect 2 ladies that has (or still is) been an important part of my life. The first one, I courted her a long time ago. She was the first girl I ever taken seriously. So seriously that I feel she set the standard of character for girls for me. We didn’t end together, and not even on contact now, but somehow I cent seem to forget her. Then there is Ethel, if there is a most influential person in my life it got to be her. She showed me love, strength, and gave me the inspiration in life. She inspired me to achieve the things I want in life, she is always there at my side every time I need her. For the past 4 years I knew her, I considered her my soul mate, my other half I cant live without. My only wish is that we may grow old and spend every Valentines of the rest of our life together.

Of Random Things

Relationships, though feels good to be in one but also a real headache. I guess ill never know what goes inside a woman’s head. It is out there as one of the greatest mysteries in life like the Bermuda Triangle and life after death. Well if you cant beat them…. just concede.

I am glad I again had my life back. Been busy the couple of weeks finishing reports after reports. Still got some papers this coming week but its just shorties. I cant believe how much focused I can be once I get myself into this things. I nearly forgot I had my other life, I guess it feels easy when you are enjoying what your doing.

Man, I plan on getting my butt up and do some exercise, probably some jogging and play some tennis. I feel really out of condition lately. Damn this molar surgery of mine can’t do anything physically heavy the past week. Its already late January and I feel I still owe my body to get rid of those holiday weight I gain.

Well a late reaction on the David Beckham thing. I can’t help but to be shocked to hear my man Beckham is going stateside to play for LA Galaxy. It is just me or all the athletes I look up to are either ending up their careers or is diminishing already to oblivion? Man they are being replaced by punks… yes I repeat, punks!!! I used to be an avid fan of basketball but growing up only 5’6” just diminishes my interest playing the game. And as a fan, current hip-hop ballers (aka NIGGERS) turn me off. I just wonder how many other Filipinos still like the game.
Speaking of hip-hoppers, I just can’t help but to be irritated buy the new youth culture. This cant be generation-x (my generation). Generation-x is already out there working in offices as yuppies, getting married, or selling out their lives to what the grunge-era and Kurt Cobain stood against. This new generation is a crossbreed between an overdose of the commercialized MTV culture and plain stupidity and ignorance. You have here so called “thugz” calling themselves from the ghettos without knowing what ghettos really is. Man if you live in Fairview or Dasma you can’t call yourself a ghetto. And you’ll have this so-called “goth” kids who really had no idea what gothic really is. Black eyeliners don’t make you vampires. And don’t make me start with those hapless fashion victims aka fashionistas. What is with the retro 80s stuff? Look I was alive and already conscious during the 80s and what I remember what people wear is oversized t-shirts, jeans and hi cut rubber shoes, look at Maricel Soriano in those old John and Marshe reruns that’s the real 80s fashion. Poor kids, they are the victims of their own ignorance. Well at least they are sexy to look at.

The Horn of Africa

I am reading some news today at the Internet…. Same old, same old news. The news that caught my attention was the war on the “horn of Africa” (now where is that? It’s on the east side of the black continent bellow the Red Sea and Saudi Arabia. If you don’t know it study geography dimwit!). The very poor nation of Ethiopia and Somalia is in a war. When I say poor they are more poorer than us, imagine that….. poorer than us. What seems to be the reason for this? Ethiopia’s sudden occupation of Somalia was a reaction to the domination of Islamic fundamentalist groups (some says that are being backed by Al Queda), which in Ethiopia’s opinion can be a major factor on the region’s political stability. Specially concerning Ethiopia is a Christian Nation landlocked in a Muslim region.

If you are not familiar with the picture of the Somalian situation all you have to do is go back to the Ridley Scott’s film “Black Hawk Down” (now to the kids there who are “illiterate” to what matter most, there is a reality on that film). The movie tackled the dominance of the warlords on the governance of Somalia led by Osman Hassan Ali Atto, if you remember he was the one captured by the US troops in the early part of the movie. Now, not shown at the movie was what happened after. After the United Nation troops led by the United States vacated Somalia it was then ruled by Islamic fundamentalist troops. When you talk of Islamic fundamentalist states you don’t talk about Qatar, Turkey, Indonesia, or Saudi Arabia. You talked about Iran (but by fundamentalist standards they are moderate), Afghanistan-taliban, Saddam’s Iraq (they are still now, even with the US backed government), Pakistan (they wont admit it but they act like one). Imagine Mindanao govern by the Abu-Sayaf. That’s is their current picture. And with this threat the Christian Nation of Ethiopia has no resort but to back a Somalian government in opposed to the Islamic fundamentalists.

Now, what would be the affect of this matter to us? How would this thing affect our economy? To the least, our holiday? The answer is, it won’t…. specially to the uninformed people who don’t bother watch or surf the news. If you would be familiar with the black continent’s status to the developed nations especially with dubya’s current US government they are not even in the list. The dominance of poverty, corruption, and dictators are so dominant in the African continent. But we don’t hear any US armies invading this countries to the cause of freedom and democracy as they had in Iraq or Afghanistan. Why? Well when you look back at the reason why they invade Iraq its all about oil. Afghanistan is about sentimentality to 9-11. But why not Africa? They do need a good shaping up in the name of democracy also right? Well the US of A wont for some very obvious reason…. They don’t have oil or resources the US needed, unless they reestablish slavery (yeah they have sources of oil though not yet fully developed, they are in the region near the mid-east), and supporting either Somalia or Ethiopia is not really very profitable. Supporting either the 2 of this country would be a charity case for American war business, and charity is one thing they don’t have. Somalia gets its arm on the black market and Ethiopia’s army would make the Philippine army very good-looking and well equipped. In my opinion on why the UN cares about this 2 African nation is for the reason that Koffi Annan is African. Put Michael Bolton (US ambassador to the UN) or Donald Rumsfeld at the helm of the UN I doubt there would be any priority for the continent.

Some years ago I was able to watch some news documentary about Somalia. People on the refugees are forced to eat grass (my reaction then was “they look like cows or ghiraffes while eating”) and believe it or not the soil itself. All of this was because the warlords blocked and confiscated (it’s a diplomatic term) the UN food supply that is supposed to be for the refugees. I remember back at the time of the Pinatubo eruptions my mom as a social worker handle an evacuation center. I remember she told us that she people there would shout and be angry to her for serving rice and “mongo”. This tells a lot how privilege we are to them. To many to us here this side of the equator the situation in Ethiopia and Somalia is just some moving pictures on the news on the TV, another web news topic. But in reality, many miles away on where you are sitting and reading my blog, there are real people that is bound to suffer another of war’s aftermath.

Never Never Land and the Reality of Life

I know, I’m supposed to be doing my papers. I don’t know if its lack of motivation or I’m just not into doing anything this holiday season. There is something in the air that makes me want to be just idle. I admit I am not a good writer, as a designer I cant even admit to myself I am an artist. I sometimes feel I am out of place in the world I want myself to be into. All I have is the interest on what I do and nothing more. I fought the stigma of being “ordinary” or being “choiceless” and do the things I wanted, but now I’m here I wonder what lies beyond this. Thinking where we are now from where we are when we are just 10 year old kids, we are still in that earthly body. Things have changed, we have our jobs, some have wives and children, but at the end of it all we are still that 10 year old kid we are a long time ago. We may think we have changed a lot or have matured since then but in reality we are just kids but now kids with responsibilities.

Call it immaturity or a Peter Pan syndrome but I always think of myself as a kid. I refuse to grow-up. Growing-up in the sense that you have to conform to the world on the way how you got to be at a certain age. We are children of baby-boomers, we are bound to be kids forever for we are the children of the generation who used to hate and fought the idea of complexity and conformity.

I used to laugh (it’s a harsh word, sorry) at people who say they have no choice in life that they got to do certain things for they have no choice. I don’t get it just until now. My girlfriend is in law school, a thing that she always wanted and dream of finishing. But as her mom died just this month I cant help notice that things in her world would change for her. The support of her mother (both financially and emotionally) is not there anymore. Her only motivation now is the dream of her late mother of her becoming a lawyer. His father is of no help for he is so much emotionally unstable (and financially have certain “issues”) to support her (I have some issues about her father. I always believe the being a “padre de pamilya” in the family you are the source of your family’s strength. As a father and as a man, call me a chauvinist, but we most hold back our emotion of sorrow and hopelessness especially when there are people who are expecting to get their strength from you. Especially when it is your children/daughters. My father is no beer drinking macho type of a man, yes he is well educated but he don’t look physically tough. But I know in times like that I wont see him lost any hope and he still can face his responsibilities and continue life, so with my mother.). Seeing her life today just hit me. This is the reality of life for some people. Not all do live in the never-never land I lived in (atleast in my mind). Seeing her problem, I “sudden spur of the moment” propose to live together and to support her (me thinking that her father is being no help on her situation). She is into the idea, but we specially me cant help but to be struck with reality. That would mean tons of responsibities and sacrifices. Give me a job I know that I can at least be of support to her, just don’t create any children I know we can get by. But that would mean too much sacrifice especially to a guy who is picky on choosing jobs (I don’t want to be in a job that don’t deal with interior design or in line with my masteral course). Just a couple of days ago she talked to me and says she is quitting her law studies. I don’t believe her knowing her previous episodes on her law studies. But this time it could be the real thing. Her father wont support her, continuing law school means getting a job that can support her studies and the daily expenses of living. I know how hard it is for her; I supported her, I researched for her, I saw her perseverance in her studies, I saw her pain in her failures and her joy in her success. All she got to finish is a semester and a half of law school and the bar exams and she’ll have her dreams. And now she may not have her dream… for someone that loves her I feel the pain.

Thinking of it I just can’t help but think of the unfairness of life. When she met me she is in the process of re-enrolling in law school after a year of hiatus and I was the guy who cant graduate college who was stuck in his thesis. As what she told me once, she cant help but envy me for since then I was able to graduate, work, and afford to study for and masteral. And she was still studying law and now all she worked for all that time would be for nothing. When I think of the word “unfair” I think of the rich kids, I can easily say that they are just born like and take that away on them they are nothing. But I realized what unfairness really was, here is a girl demographically is just like me, who just wanted to fulfill her mom’s dream. And life would be cruel to her. Compared to me, a happy go lucky guy. Who tend to look at life as lightly, always stopping to smell the flowers. I am not privileged but life is kind to me. It seems unfair…. And cruel. I cant feel but to be guilty. I love my mom but if It happened happen to me my dad would still be the man he is, I can still study for my masteral. That to happened to the woman that I love it really hurt deep inside. I want to ask God why not me, I think I can take it more better than her, but I don’t know the mystery to that.
I don’t know what would happen next. All I know is that this Peter Pan must grow up and accept the reality of life for he may loose Wendy. It is just that Peter Pan don’t know if he can.