Never Never Land and the Reality of Life

I know, I’m supposed to be doing my papers. I don’t know if its lack of motivation or I’m just not into doing anything this holiday season. There is something in the air that makes me want to be just idle. I admit I am not a good writer, as a designer I cant even admit to myself I am an artist. I sometimes feel I am out of place in the world I want myself to be into. All I have is the interest on what I do and nothing more. I fought the stigma of being “ordinary” or being “choiceless” and do the things I wanted, but now I’m here I wonder what lies beyond this. Thinking where we are now from where we are when we are just 10 year old kids, we are still in that earthly body. Things have changed, we have our jobs, some have wives and children, but at the end of it all we are still that 10 year old kid we are a long time ago. We may think we have changed a lot or have matured since then but in reality we are just kids but now kids with responsibilities.

Call it immaturity or a Peter Pan syndrome but I always think of myself as a kid. I refuse to grow-up. Growing-up in the sense that you have to conform to the world on the way how you got to be at a certain age. We are children of baby-boomers, we are bound to be kids forever for we are the children of the generation who used to hate and fought the idea of complexity and conformity.

I used to laugh (it’s a harsh word, sorry) at people who say they have no choice in life that they got to do certain things for they have no choice. I don’t get it just until now. My girlfriend is in law school, a thing that she always wanted and dream of finishing. But as her mom died just this month I cant help notice that things in her world would change for her. The support of her mother (both financially and emotionally) is not there anymore. Her only motivation now is the dream of her late mother of her becoming a lawyer. His father is of no help for he is so much emotionally unstable (and financially have certain “issues”) to support her (I have some issues about her father. I always believe the being a “padre de pamilya” in the family you are the source of your family’s strength. As a father and as a man, call me a chauvinist, but we most hold back our emotion of sorrow and hopelessness especially when there are people who are expecting to get their strength from you. Especially when it is your children/daughters. My father is no beer drinking macho type of a man, yes he is well educated but he don’t look physically tough. But I know in times like that I wont see him lost any hope and he still can face his responsibilities and continue life, so with my mother.). Seeing her life today just hit me. This is the reality of life for some people. Not all do live in the never-never land I lived in (atleast in my mind). Seeing her problem, I “sudden spur of the moment” propose to live together and to support her (me thinking that her father is being no help on her situation). She is into the idea, but we specially me cant help but to be struck with reality. That would mean tons of responsibities and sacrifices. Give me a job I know that I can at least be of support to her, just don’t create any children I know we can get by. But that would mean too much sacrifice especially to a guy who is picky on choosing jobs (I don’t want to be in a job that don’t deal with interior design or in line with my masteral course). Just a couple of days ago she talked to me and says she is quitting her law studies. I don’t believe her knowing her previous episodes on her law studies. But this time it could be the real thing. Her father wont support her, continuing law school means getting a job that can support her studies and the daily expenses of living. I know how hard it is for her; I supported her, I researched for her, I saw her perseverance in her studies, I saw her pain in her failures and her joy in her success. All she got to finish is a semester and a half of law school and the bar exams and she’ll have her dreams. And now she may not have her dream… for someone that loves her I feel the pain.

Thinking of it I just can’t help but think of the unfairness of life. When she met me she is in the process of re-enrolling in law school after a year of hiatus and I was the guy who cant graduate college who was stuck in his thesis. As what she told me once, she cant help but envy me for since then I was able to graduate, work, and afford to study for and masteral. And she was still studying law and now all she worked for all that time would be for nothing. When I think of the word “unfair” I think of the rich kids, I can easily say that they are just born like and take that away on them they are nothing. But I realized what unfairness really was, here is a girl demographically is just like me, who just wanted to fulfill her mom’s dream. And life would be cruel to her. Compared to me, a happy go lucky guy. Who tend to look at life as lightly, always stopping to smell the flowers. I am not privileged but life is kind to me. It seems unfair…. And cruel. I cant feel but to be guilty. I love my mom but if It happened happen to me my dad would still be the man he is, I can still study for my masteral. That to happened to the woman that I love it really hurt deep inside. I want to ask God why not me, I think I can take it more better than her, but I don’t know the mystery to that.
I don’t know what would happen next. All I know is that this Peter Pan must grow up and accept the reality of life for he may loose Wendy. It is just that Peter Pan don’t know if he can.